If you follow me on Instagram, you might or might not know about my lower back problems I mention here and there. Now, knock knock on the wood, my back is fine and healthy and it's nothing serious, but I do get lower back pains every once in a while and if it weren't for yoga, who knows how much worse it would get. So today I had an appointment with the physiatrist. Just a regular check-up appointment after I went through physical therapy and all that throughout the last year. My physical therapy was regarding a completely another issue, but my lower back problems were always mentioned and discussed. Keep in mind this is not a new thing and it goes way back to even before I gained all that extra weight. And then lost all the extra weight. And then gained some muscle mass and started doing yoga seriously. It was a problem way way back that would ocurr every once in a while. Doctor: ''How are you feeling now?'' Me: ''Okay. But lower back is still present when it decides it wants to be present.'' Doctor: *looks at chart* ''You should lose some weight.'' Me: ''I already have.'' Doctor: ''How much?'' Me: ''80lbs.'' Doctor: ''Are you stretching?'' Me: ''Yes. Every day.'' Doctor: ''You should gain some muscle mass too.'' Me: ''I have.'' Doctor: *looks at chart* ''You should lose some weight.'' *signs the papers and says you are free to go* What in the world has just happened? Was I just speaking with a person with a degree? A person who calls herself a doctor that cares for wealth of other people? I met a lot of good doctors and bad doctors throughout my life, but to be judged like this just because of the number that is in my chart - not in my wildest dreams have I seen it coming. You know what my chart says? That I weigh 176lbs (80kgs) and that my height is 5'6 (170cm). So according to BMI, I am overweight. My BMI is 27,7 and a normal range should be 21-25. But you know what? That BMI thing is bullshit. I work out 6x a week plus I do yoga on top of my workouts. I eat healthy, meaningly I do cut out bad food, but every once in a while I let myself indulge. I try to be the best possible version of myself. And if all that is worth nothing just because of some number on the papers, then we all better just lie in our beds all day and do nothing what so ever. The thing is, this doctor I went to today is not my doctor. My old doctor got another job and temporarily I was given this one. So she doesn't know me. Or anything about my story. And all she sees is that number on the paper and lets it define who I am. But I am not a number on the scale. And that number does not define me. It's not easy to be where I am at the moment - somewhere in the middle of losing all the extra weight and having that little more weight to lose. Don't get me wrong, my plan is to lose around 20lbs more, but the truth is that weight does not come off as easily as it did in the beginning. And that's okay. Maybe body isn't ready yet and everything will happen at its own time. But sometimes it feels like it's all about that number and not about being healthy. And happy. And stronger. And fitter. Who even gets to define what a fit person is? According to dictionary being fit means being in good physical condition and good health, especially because of regular physical exercise. Okay, so how am I not fit then? Because according to the dictionary, I am quite opposite of not being fit.
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I've been wanting to write this post for a long long time, but every time I tried, I talked myself out of it because it might not be as positive as my other posts. It's not that it's going to be negative, nowhere near that, but if you have ever encountered the phrase ''tough love'', then that is what this is all about. Being cruel to be kind. I have been in this fitness, weightloss journey for almost 3 years now and during that time not only have I worked on making myself better, but also I have helped many others to get back on the track. The thing about working with people is both beautiful and dreadful at the same time. How is that you may ask? Well, people are all different and the reasons why they want to lose weight, gain weight or simply become fitter vary from one person to another. It's up to you why you want to achieve things you want to achieve, but one thing that always has to be present, no matter what your reasons may be, is that you will have to give your 101%. And I mean that. So many people want the change, but don't want to change. People see my photos on social medias and think how it's all ''oops-a-daisy'' and how everyone could do it. But if everyone could do it, why isn't everybody doing it? Sure, I'll be the first one telling you you CAN do it, but you won't do it just because I said you could. You have to put effort in it. ''You are so lucky, you can eat healthy.'' And you can't? Why? Because of your family? Because they bring home junk food? Well, let me tell you something about that. You have no idea how many wars I am leading with my family regarding that. Every morning I wake up and head to the kitchen for breakfast and what do I find there next to my protein shakes and my oatmeals and all the other healthy food I eat? Nutella. Chocolate. All kinds of sweets and chips and cookies and pretty much anything your mind can think of. And I am not even exaggerating. My boyfriend used to love coming to visit because there was always something extra good to eat. Now we throw those stuff away together, but that's how bad it can get sometimes. So no, I am not lucky to be eating healthy. I CHOOSE to eat healthy and be healthy and fight my demons every morning all over again. ''You are so lucky, you look so great.'' ''You are so lucky, you have abs.'' Lucky? Seriously? Yes, I may be lucky for not completely ruining my health back then and stopping before it was too late (a catch - it's never too late), but am I lucky for looking the way I do now? No. It has nothing to do with luck and has all to do with 100% dedication. There is a lot more to my weightloss story than people know and it goes all the way back back when I was just a kiddo. My life is just a big yo-yo effect when it comes to my weight - as many times as I was complimented for losing the extra weight was I insulted for being overweight. Yes, it was and it is a battle, but my battle with weight is a constant and something I have learned to live with. There are days when it's harder and there are days when it's easier, but every step of the way is worth it. Do I see myself as a lucky one for looking the way I do? Absolutely not. I see myself as a fighter who keeps getting up when life knocks him down. All over and over again. ''You are so lucky, you have beautiful legs and booty.'' Oh my, don't even get me started here. Okay, so maybe I did train dance for almost a decade so I probably did have nicely shaped leg muscles somewhere beneath all the extra weight, but even if I did, that still isn't luck, but me deciding and choosing to go to trainings almost every day for almost 10 years. It's pure dedication and power of will. And cellulite? My enemy no.1. Was and still is. Yes, the situation got a lot lot better than it used to be, but although the right photo doesn't show it, I still have some polishing to do. So am I lucky for having legs shaped the way I have? I think you guessed it by now. ''You are so lucky, you are so flexible.'' People always admire this one the most. And the funny thing is that I was never, throughout my life, the flexible one. I used to hate P.E. when we would have flexibility measurements and I used to hate forward folds of any kind. I was stiff and those things were painful and all I felt was the pain and nothing else. When I say I trained dance people always assume that is where I got my flexibility. Well, let me break it down to you - you've got that one wrong. I did train dance, but I was never good at splits, forward folds or stuff like that. The cobbler pose especially. I could never understand how girls put their knees all the way down to the floor. It was unreachable to me. Why wasn't I flexible back then? The only explanation I have is that my body obviously wasn't ready for it. And neither was I mentally. I was afraid I would tear my muscles and things like that so I guess I never tried hard enough. Then I turned 22 and something just clicked in my head and I started working on my flexibility. But, you see, every progress story has its ups and downs. During my process of increasing my flexibility, I hurt my hamstrings and went backwards in progress. So I had to restart from the beginning. It was even harder the second time, but if you set your mind to something, you will most certainly succeed - maybe not immediately, but you most definitely will. ''You are so lucky, your back is so bendy.'' No - my back is hurt and I have some lower back issues. Yoga has helped me so much with this, but some days it can still get pretty bad.
I do wish I could do all the things and not to feel pain, but I have to listen to my body and respect it. If I respect my body, my body will respect me. And give me what I want. Maybe not as quick as I would like it to happen, but it will happen. And you know what? Any kind of progress with my back (and in general) excites me and makes me the most proud mamma out there. Because I know how much work was put into it. How many workouts were done when I could barely keep my eyes open out of tiredness. How many times I said no to great food. And how many times I spent fighting against myself and my own destructive thoughts. So please. STOP. All of this has absolutely nothing to do with luck. If you find yourself at the right place at the right time, you are lucky, but that's it. It's up to you how you will use all that is given to you. So remember, if you want something, you HAVE TO fight for it. Because no one is going to give it to you. And it won't happen just because you want it to happen. You need to do more than just want to be better - you have to be better. So stop trying to skip the struggle. Because without the struggle you can't progress and without the struggle you can't make a change. Working on that summer body? - No, wrong, working on that all-year-round-body. My body was not shaped like this in 90 days with some restricted dieting, magical pills and no working out or doing just some cardio. No, it was 2 years of hardcore healthy eating with indulging every once in a while and hardcore working out with pilates, body-weight workouts or some hiits. For a long time I had believed that the secret of getting that perfectly shaped body lied in restricted dieting and only cardio, but now I know different. Now I know better. Yes, I actually started my transformation journey 3 months before summer of 2013, but it was pure accident and did I stop after the summer was over? No. Did I stop after the next summer came and passed? No. And here I am, third summer in row, still not there where I want to be yet, but heck a lot closer than two years ago. And will I stop when this summer ends? Damn right I won't! But yet, do I love my body? Yes, absolutely I do. I love my waistline and my big booty and big legs - yay for the big booty club tho! It's really all about that love yourself process. Once you start loving yourself it won't be just some diet, it won't be just some sort of a workout that is like a chore for you and that you hate doing - it will be a journey that never ends. A journey that inspires you and motivates you. A journey you will love and be proud of. A journey that will change your life. And lastly, your body too. Have you ever wondered how your fitness progress looks statistically? Well, here it is! White numbers represent you doing that one tiny little extra step day out of day and how that tiny little extra step is not that tiny comparing to black numbers that represent you just sitting there and doing nothing more than usual. Now that's something to think about, right? We are all humans and it's okay to have a bad day every once in a while, but if you have ever thought your progress is insignificant and small, think again because progress is still progress after all and in the end every step really does count. And if you don't believe me, math is here to prove you wrong and math does not lie and now, that's a fact. |